Thursday, November 30, 2006

Dancing's For the Birds

I fuckin hate going out. Fuckin hate it. Especially in this town. It’s just completely overrun with drunken college idiots; fueled by alcohol, testosterone, and low self esteem. Lovely little cocktail right there. The bars and meat markets are one thing, but the dance clubs kill me. I always crack up watching people dance. What the fuck? Dancing is stupid. You ever wonder what you’d look like if the music were turned off? You’d look like a fuckin freak! They’d toss you into a rubber room.
The fact of the matter is, dancing is for women. Women love to dance. Guys don’t like to dance. Guys only dance to get laid. It’s the truth. Any guy who says he likes to dance is either gay, "Cum on boyth letth go danthing!" or…he’s trying to get laid! Or both! Every guy knows that if he’s partyin’ with some shit-faced hottie, he greatly increases his odds of getting laid by dancing. This makes perfect sense. It’s actually Darwinian, as related to Charles Darwins theories on evolution. Man is in his innate sense, an animal, and at our most primal core, we are still connected to that animal. Dancing, in many species, is the right of mating. Birds will fluff up there chests, and stretch out their feathers to look attractive to a potential mate, lots of other animals have specific instinctual rituals of movement that lead up to the act of sex. Dancing today is just our own mating ritual. That’s why women love it! Because they can go out and do the whole sex thing, without actually having to consummate the act. Women’s psyche’s are way more powerful than men’s. We need constant, direct stimulation in order to maintain focus (read: blowjob!). Women, on the contrary, require just a sliver of an idea, and from it they will create an entire experience just for themselves. I just find it funny what guys are willing to do to get a piece of ass. I dunno…maybe I’m wrong, maybe there are guys who dig dancing, but, most of my friends, with the exception of a few, don’t dance. At least not unless they think they got a shot at scoring with the hottie! Then they’re dancing mutherfuckers! Bottom line if we were more primal, and getting laid required a mating chicken-dance ritual, I guarantee you tonight there would be men all over the world clucking and scratching the floor with their feet!

All these fuckers dancin', someone's got to get laid!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Yer a Moron...

Basically this is the Moron List. It's a contantly evolving, developing, growing kind of organism. Make sure to check back frequently to see if you've made the list in any way:

How it works:
If you are guilty of any of the following, yer a Moron. Maybe not always, maybe not forever, but, in these cases, you are, undeniably, hands-down, grab yer fuckin hockey helmet and get on the little bus, a Moron!

THE LIST

Voted for GW Bush (no arguing with this one)
Own a Minivan.
Enjoy Soccer.
Liked the movie "Titanic".
Think Harry Potter is literature...or a film...
Dress your dog or cat in clothes.
Think any of the following are "really talented":
Christina Aguilera (at anything other than sucking dick)
Jessica Simpson (at anything other than sucking dick)
Brittany Spears (at anything other than sucking dick)
Keanu Reeves
Tom Cruise
Ben Affleck
Listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Collect Beenie-Babies.
Watch ANY of the following TV shows:
The OC
Desperate Housewives
Melrose Place
Beverly Hills 90210
Survivor, Big Brother, The Bachelor (ette), Wife Swappers, or any of that other mindless reality shit. You want reality?? Join the Marine's motherfucker!

Think your Bachelor's degree in business means anything.
Think your Masters degree in anything makes you smart.
Not convinced of Global Warming.
Think Iraq had WMD's or this war is over anything but oil and money.
Stop in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store to contemplate the breakfast cereal, blocking the aisle for everyone else.
Drive slow in the fast lane. It's the Fast Lane for fuck's sake! Who doesn't know that?! Oh yeah...the Moron's!
Pay for your groceries with a check, but don't have it ready when it comes time to pay.
Watch MTV
Believe Dr. Phil
Believe Lee harvey acted alone.
Believe the Branch Davidians Self-Emolated.
Drive a BMW because everybody else does
Drive an Escalade
Use the word "Bling" to describe anything other than the sound of piss on a porcelain urinal.
Think Jim Morrison was anything other than a drunk.
Think Tupac was a poet.
Wore parachute pants in the 80's.
Think we're living in anything other than a Facsist state.


More to Come

Saturday, July 29, 2006

President Assaulted During Visit to School for Gifted Children



During a recent visit to a Magnet School for the Developmentally Advanced, one of the more gifted students took a moment to let the President know how he felt about the job he’s been doing during his administration. Seconds later the child was wrestled from Mr. Bush's arms, thrown to the ground, and restrained with a tazer. He was quoted later as saying he spoke on behalf of all Americans with and I.Q. bigger than 70 (which coincidentally is the same as the President’s). Mr. Bush took it in stride, and said with a Texas-chuckle, “After five years of pissing off the world, I guess it’s about time I got pissed on. I just prefer it to be my wife Laura…or our 14 year old niece! That’s how we do things on the Ranch! Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-Haw!”

The next stop is a petting zoo in East Trumbleduck, Oklahoma; where the president anticipates a warmer reception.