WORLD CRAP

I’m sorry. Once again, I am the bearer of bad news for a huge portion of the world population. Then again, it’s my duty to point out all things ridiculous, moronic, or just plain stupid. Despite the fact that it’s the most popular game played on a global level (which just supports my theory that 95% of the world population are idiots…); Soccer, or Futbol is, hands down, the dumbest, most boring game I have ever seen. I mean, seriously, let’s look at the basics; forget for a moment, the fact that it’s a pansy game for girls and girly-men in short-shorts and knee high sox. For starters…the field. Soccer playing fields are bigger than the Texas panhandle, with goals you could park an eighteen-wheeler in.

Could we make this a little bigger please?


Then you’ve got 22 players, mostly pansy’s, running amok, with no rhyme or reason. They kick the ball back and forth, with the ball flying in incredible arc’s all over the place, but never really going anywhere. The participants kick the ball and occasionally bump it with their heads…but never…NEVER…touch it with their hands…presumably because it has cooties…? The rest of the game resembles a WWF wrestling match; every five to ten minutes one of the players goes down with some kind of near fatal injury, falling to the ground and writhing around in agony so incredible that I start looking for a sniper in the stands with a high-powered rifle.



Everything stops while the Keystone Cops Stretcher Bearers run onto the field to carry the dieing player to the sideline (insert Benny Hill music here). He is carried off the field, where he’s administered last rights.
Then, and this is my favorite part, some guy comes over with a spray bottle of some kind of magic solution that he proceeds to spray onto the life-threatening injury…and, low and behold…he is healed! His pain and injury are magically gone, and he leaps to his feet, sprinting back onto the field faster than he’s run the whole game up to that point. It’s a fucking miracle! Can I get an “Amen”?!

 

"LOOK MA! I'm HEALED!!!"

What is this magic solution, and why is it being kept from the rest of the world? Why isn’t this stuff on hand in every sporting arena, hospital, and emergency facility in the world? Something’s not right…hmmm.

This goes on for 90 grueling, arduous minutes; at the end of which the score is….1-0! 1-0?!?! What the fuck?! As if this isn’t painful enough, they then tack on another fifteen minutes just for good measure. At the end of which…the score is….yep…1-0.

Now they are trying to control crowd violence that seems to be getting more common and more volatile every year. This is another mystery…why they would try to stop it? I mean, there’s way more excitement and action in the stands, than there will ever be on the field. They should install cameras on the crowd, and sell it as a pay-per-view event. Now there’s something worth watching…a bunch of stupid soccer fans kicking the shit out of each other! Now we’re talkin’!